Just A Day in the Life

Helpless

      I learned a lot tonight. About myself, about society and about life. Because sometimes life slaps you in the face and everything suddenly falls into perspective. What starts as another night out dancing with friends can quickly turn into a life-changing experience. One that makes you value everything tenfold. It makes you care even more - even though you probably already care too much to begin with. There’s this moment where things come crashing down around you and you can no longer think about that boy you love – the one you wish you were in love with, but you know you never will be – even if it does make you jealous he went home with someone else. And you stop worrying about the stupid fight with a friend that started because he doesn’t see how unbelievably fantastic he is – and doesn’t understand that it’s not based off of a relationship status. You stop trying to find that meaningless hookup you haven’t had in months because you want to fill the void left by your drug-addicted ex-boyfriend. There’s this moment where none of it matters. And you’re the only one who sees it. Never have I felt so introverted in my life. Because that boy you love is still going home with another guy, and your friend is still more worried about his being single than about something serious you’re going through and your ex is still your ex and he’s still and addict.

     If something had happened to that boy tonight – I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I’ve been through it all – life has thrown a lot of stuff my way – but it’s always been under my control and I come out on top and I come out stronger. But I don’t know if I could have handled that and I’m glad I don’t have to. But to see that look on that boy’s face is devastating and heart-wrenching. And no one else cared to notice or even bothered to help me help him because they were too busy with their own preoccupations. And it is SO unbelievably frustrating to  not be able to get a single one of your friends to help you.

      I felt helpless for the first time ever tonight. I have always held a little bit of strength through any situation. But tonight I lost it. I’ve never been more unsure of myself or what to do next. And in that moment, everything changes. To know there were 100 things you could have done differently and to know you just stood there paralyzed and watched him run away to God knows where.

       This is mainly for me because I don’t expect anyone to understand what  I mean or even what I’m talking about. But that’s okay. 

Love This Movie. And the Quote.

blunderthighs:

“at least six times a year I threaten to sell my place and move to Europe like my brother did, only I wouldn’t go for just a few months, I’d stay, I’d bring my camera and finally take my time developing a photographer’s eye. really find my voice…and then something happens - a birthday, summer parties, christmas, a great night of dancing and I’m with them…and I can’t imagine being anywhere else. so I stay.”

(via nonfatvanillamatte)

Chance.

I never had a chance to show you my love.

I never had the chance to prove it. But I would have, given the chance. You have to believe that. Please just give me that. If I had the money - I would fly down every weekend and see you. If I had the ability to be there at all times - don’t you think I would have taken it? I would have. Do you think I wanted to be away from you for four months? No. I didn’t. 

I wish I had been given the chance to prove my love to you. To buy you a present, just to say I care. Because you deserved a present. You deserved a lot of things I never gave you. I was hoping I would have plenty of time to buy you nice surprises. Candles, books, clothes, vacations, rings. I would have bought it all for you if I had been given the chance.

Maybe I had a chance and I wasted it. The very least I could have done was devote myself to you. And that’s what I regret the most. How different things could have been if I was monogamous and we had entered into a committed relationship. But the chance for that has long gone past. And so here we are. Here I am. Trying to salvage the pieces of what happened. 

And all I want is the chance to fix it all. 

I promise I’ll start writing again soon.

It used to be such a release for my emotions, albeit whiney at times.

But I miss it. I miss writing and expressing my thoughts and opinions.

So I’m going to start again.